My Journey Through My Hell Part 3

This is a continued article. For the one before this click here.

The first 6 months of being a mom was a roller coaster of emotions. I’m sure it always is but I can only attest to my own roller coaster and the things that I dealt with. The first 4-5 months were the most difficult for any reason. Jenelle’s diagnosis came with a lot of things that most parents don’t have to deal with. I would often ask myself, why me, why us, and most importantly, why her. She was such a happy little girl. Why did she have to be the one to have this happen? It was a question I would lie awake and think about many nights when I couldn’t sleep because of some kind of forced insomnia.

Quite honestly I was afraid to go to sleep. During those first 4 or 5 months, especially the first 2 months, I would be jolted awake. Gasping for air, crying. Searching for Jenelle thinking she didn’t actually make it out of that operation room alive. This happened night after night. I complained to people when Jenelle wouldn’t sleep and that I was so tired. But secretly I was relieved when she wouldn’t sleep because it meant I didn’t either. I welcomed her cries because it made me know she was there with me in that dark, rather than taken.

Eventually, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And I actually thought it would make me feel better to be diagnosed because then I knew I wasn’t actually going insane. But I was met with looks like I was actually nuts when I would tell someone I had PTSD from my labor. Those people and their looks, hurt and it hurt bad. Here I was reaching out to them and they treated me like I was a lunatic.