My Journey through MY Hell – Part 2
I never understood when moms would say things, like they would die for their child or they, would kill for their child. That was until I became a mom. It’s funny the thoughts that go through your mind as a mom, especially a new mom who had her baby taken from her hours after delivery and brought to a completely different hospital 70 miles away. All I could think about was getting to her and the lengths I would go to do it. I remember thinking that if anyone tried to stop me from leaving the hospital that I would slam their head into the locked birthing center doors until they let me go. Crazy, especially considering I was in some serious pain from the surgery. That didn’t matter though. All I wanted and thought about was getting to my little girl.
When the ambulance arrived to transport me I couldn’t move fast enough from my hospital bed to my stretcher chariot. The pain was so great, yet I barely noticed it if that makes any sense. The ride felt like an eternity and I can still hear those sirens when we left the hospital like it was yesterday. To this day I get goosebumps and my eyes swell whenever I hear those familiar ambulance sirens. I never understood how heavy a burden traumatic events play in a person’s life. It’s something that gets ingrained in your brain.
Upon arrival, at the medical center, Joel and my mom were waiting by the elevator on my floor which also was the same floor as the NICU. Joel was smiling which made me breathe a little bit easier. It told me my baby wasn’t dead. This sounds nuts, but these are the things that go through your mind. They brought me up to date on all that was happening. They had met with the pediatric neurologist and the head doctor in the NICU. Jenelle had been placed on a 24-hour video EEG so they warned me that her entire head was covered in electrodes and I wouldn’t be able to hold her during the process.
Walking into the NICU for the first time you are completely overwhelmed with images and beeps and bells. So many tiny little lives at stake. Seeing Jenelle there, covered in so many wires and all kinds of monitors at her station, was overwhelming. Since she was on the 24-hour video EEG and she couldn’t be held all we could do is hold her tiny little hands. I felt such a sense of grief, anger, and anxiety mounting inside me. So many questions running through my mind. Why did this have to happen? Why to my little girl? Why do my family? What would our lives be like? How can I help her?
Over the next 24 hours, we waited, hoping and praying there wouldn’t be anymore seizures and it was all just a little setback at birth. While she was on the EEG her main source of sustenance was sugar water by IV. But I was told to start pumping to get ready for her needs when she was finally able to nurse.
After the EEG monitors were removed I was finally able to hold my little girl for the first time…almost 48 hours after I had given birth by emergency c-section. Anyone that says you cannot properly bond with your baby if you don’t have a vaginal delivery and if the baby isn’t placed right on the mom is absolutely full of shit and a real asshole. The bond that I felt that day, holding her for the first time was and continues to be nothing less than totally amazing.
The next few days were filled with tests after tests. Jenelle’s EEG was abnormal and showed an immature area of the brain so an MRI was done. I remember so clearly the details of when we found out the results. I was coming back from having some of my own tests done and my hospital room door was shut. I thought that was odd since I had left it open and Joel had gone to the NICU. As the nurse opened the door I saw the room was filled with people. Joel was sitting on the bed. I remember the look on his face so clearly. It was a look of pure heartbreak. Jenelle’s head neurologist on her team was there along with her assistant. I immediately asked how bad the news was. She proceeded to tell me that Jenelle suffered a sort of stroke during labor, most likely due to the delay in doing the c-section. She said that the area of the brain affected was the motor skills area and we could see anything from developmental delays to not being able to use her right side. There was no prognosis because an infant's brain changes so rapidly there is no way to know how it will wire itself and what effects the stroke will have short or long term. It could be months to years before we see any effects. She had already put through orders to start Jenelle in Early Intervention through our home state of Vermont. I had never heard of it before but it’s an outreach program for children that have or will potentially have mental and/or physical delays. She automatically qualified due to her diagnosis. She would also need to start seeing Jenelle every month and told us to start looking for physical therapists that specialize in infants. It was overwhelming and confusing and made me really mad. All I kept thinking was why. To be continued.
