My Journey through MY Hell – Part 1
This will be a long post but there is a reason for it and some things to learn. In March of 2016, I had a beautiful baby girl. My pregnancy was filled with stress and scares as from the beginning there were problems. I was on and off bed rest for much of my pregnancy other than a few glorious months in the middle. I had already had miscarriages prior to this one and my managing doctor said she would do everything possible so this one worked out, but I had to listen to her and take her advice to heart. I was seen frequently, had more ultrasounds than I can count, and became a regular at the hospital.
So when one Sunday morning in March I started bleeding, the midwife on call had me go directly to the hospital. They hooked me up and found I was having contractions. It was actually on my due date so they weren’t overly concerned but wanted to keep me. For the next few hours I was pretty comfortable. I felt the contractions but we had gone to a hypnobirthing class and I used that process with each time I started to feel any pressure. Early on in the process one of the nurses was a bit concerned because the baby’s heartrate dropped dramatically with each contraction. So they had me move positions each time to try and re-position the baby. The midwife was in contact with the on-call obgyn who was “monitoring the situation from home.” In hindsight, if someone says there is a “situation” than something should probably be done.
Over the next several hours the monitors showed my contractions were very strong, only I didn’t feel anything other than pressure. In hypnobirthing, you are taught to feel pressure and the word contraction isn’t even used. The nurses kept asking me with every “contraction” did you feel that? Or how are you not more uncomfortable? At that point on a scale of 1-10, the monitor showed my contractions were probably about an 8-9 but I sat there calmly, eyes shut, breathing and feeling light almost like I was floating. And no, I had no drugs to make me feel that way. I felt pressure but no sense of pain. After many hours, my water was still intact so the doctor ordered, from home, it to be broken by the midwife. Not long after that is when things started to go very very wrong.
From that point forward the baby’s heart rate would fall further with each contraction. It was obvious that the nurses along with the midwife were nervous. Now the midwife told us that it was believed because there was no water cushioning the baby that the cord was probably being pinched. The doctor then ordered, from home, that they put fluids back into my uterus to try and float the baby. So a tube was placed in me with a constant flow of liquid, which also continuously flowed back out of me. Not the most comfortable process by any means. And not the most successful process either as there were still issues. Then another issue started to take shape. While I was able to get through contractions with the hypnobirthing, I started to have some sort of actual stabbing pain between contractions. A pain I could not control with my breathing. And that means I got no reprieve, no way to catch my breath to continue focusing so intently. I had fibroids and it is believed that one began to swell inside and that was the stabbing pain I started to feel. At this point, I was fully dilated and starting to push. However, I lost all control of my breathing because of that damn pain which gave me not even a second reprieve to gain strength. And at this point, the nurses were so very stressed and obviously worried about the baby’s heart rate because they were yelling and bickering at each other and they were yelling at me as well to flip from side to side or get on my hands and knees to take the pressure off of the cord or whatever was happening inside me causing the loss of heart rate. After a couple of hours of this going, there wasn’t much progress and then the doctor came through the door after arriving at the hospital. She told me that she saw what was going on viewing her monitor and she had called her operating team to be in place. I was wheeled into the OR but rather than having a c-section I was put in stirrups and instructed to push further while the doctor tried to attach the vacuum to the baby’s scalp. This lasted for another 15 minutes. until I looked at the doctor and her face looked ill. She said I’m sorry but we have to do the c-section now and literally pushed the baby back up inside of me. Joel was rushed out of the operating room because I had to go under general anesthesia as it was too late for an epidural. That’s the last I remember until recovery. I was able to see my daughter for about 5 minutes but according to the doctor, she got a rough start and needed to be in the nursery to be monitored. It wouldn’t be until much later that I found out what exactly a rough start really meant.
When the sun came up a few hours later Joel immediately went to the nursery while I started to pull myself together. Except when he got there he couldn’t go in and our baby was surrounded by nurses and doctors, one of which who was on the phone. He asked to go in but the nurse said he had to wait, so he came back to tell me. I immediately called my nurse and asked what was going on. She said they were just being careful and everything was fine. So I told Joel to walk down to the nursery and tell them I wanted to see the doctor immediately. That’s when my worst fear came to light. We learned that our daughter had suffered seizures earlier that morning and the doctor was on the phone with Dartmouth Medical Center to have her transferred to their NICU. However, Dartmouth didn’t have any open beds in the NICU so Jenelle would be transferred to Baystate Medical Center instead. She would need to be picked up by their NICU team and brought 60 miles to the hospital, without me. I had to stay because I had just had major surgery and there was no protocol for transferring moms if there wasn’t a medical reason. The reason being is because I would be upgrading from a regular hospital to a level one trauma center and without medical need, it wasn’t possible. When we got to the nursery all we could do was hold her little hands. We couldn’t hold her and I couldn’t feed her. She was on oxygen because her O2 levels kept dropping. All we could do was wait for that NICU team to arrive. It was excruciating. Joel and I couldn’t look at each other because we knew if we did one or both of us would break down. When the team arrived we were sent back to my room and they said they would bring the baby to me to say goodbye. I had already asked my mom to drive Joel to Baystate. He wanted to drive himself but after only 2 hours of sleep and the fact that driving in the city was not this country boy’s forte, I thought an escort would help. Unfortunately, his mom had pneumonia and couldn’t come within 100 feet of us so she was home, praying I assume.
And then there they were, a team of NICU nurses wheeling this giant pod looking thing into my room with my little baby all bundled up in it and hooked up to all kinds of things. There was a little door on it that they opened for me to stick my hand and say goodbye by rubbing her little hand. I remember that moment so clearly. It was as if there was nobody else in that room it was so quiet. I just don’t think there are any words when someone watches a mom say goodbye to her baby. We didn’t know at the time if that goodbye would be forever because we had no idea what was happening. I soaked that moment in though and I can feel those raw emotions like it were yesterday.
Then they were gone. All of them. I sat down on the bed in that room and at first, I was just in shock I think. All I could think is what the fuck just happened? I started to break down. But instead of crumbling, I called my nurse. I told her to prepare discharge instructions for me. Of course, she said she couldn’t do that because I had just had major surgery and needed to stay in the hospital. So I asked if they were going to handcuff me to the bed in a joking manner and she smirked, she wasn’t the most personable nurse. I told her I was going to walk out of there if I wasn’t transferred. A little while later the doctor came in and told me they secured a bed for me at Baystate and I would be transferred in the evening. Meanwhile, Joel and my mom were meeting with the head doctor of the NICU and pediatric neurology. All I could do was hope and pray. The minutes felt like hours but at 6:00 PM I was transported and on my way to be reunited with my baby. To be continued.
